Do I Belong?

And do I even want to belong? (Sometimes I can be too rebellious in my desire to be accepted and liked. )

Last night at book club no one liked the book. And I loved it. It's one of my favorite books ever. I have promised to read anything that Gabaldon publishes because I love her work so much. I think her writing is smart and witty. I love her characters and the crazy situations they get themselves into and out of.

And normally if I'm the only one who likes or doesn't like the book, I don't really care. The way I see reading now is that it's a recreational thing. If I don't like a book I'm not going to waste my time reading it when there are so many other books I want to read. Not to mention that I feel like I paid my dues in grad school reading all manner of books that I didn't like--and not only reading them, but having to discuss in rigorous detail what the author intended by a certain turn on phrase, etc, and then having to write massive papers about that one little thing that supposedly no one but me has ever really noticed about that book.

But last night I took the rejection of "my" book personally (and it wasn't even my suggestion, just one that I had recommended to another bookclub member and she wanted us to read it...only she wasn't there). Especially when we started discussing the new books we want to put on our reading list--and none, not one single one, of their books was I even remotely interested in. Not to put down books about overcoming adversity, but I'm just not in a place in my life where reading those kinds of books is something I can do. I don't need something depressing me when I have enough struggle just trying to get two teenagers grown up enough to handle the life that's going to come at them in a couple of years.

I began to feel like I don't belong to this group of women who I have really come to love and enjoy their company. I love going to bookclub and discussing all manner of interesting topics--whether they're relating to the book or not. And it made me a little sad.