I remember singing that song at the top of my lungs and trying to turn my voice so that I sounded like Cindy Lauper. I'm finding myself wondering today if I've forgotten how to have fun.
See it started like this. A couple of days ago I dreamed I was dancing. I was at this huge place and this guy and I were dancing and dancing and dancing and talking and having so much fun. I was in a great mood after having this dream. I loved being so carefree and enjoying myself in the moment and not worrying about what was around the corner or what the consequences of my actions would be.
But, as a 36 year old mother of twin 14 year olds, a full-time worker, and a part time student, I don't have any time to be carefree and get myself to that utterly carefree state. I constantly have to be on so that I remain a good influence on my kids. There is so much pressure to do everything "right" that there's no room for fun anymore. And it's tiring.
And I have no idea what put me in this sour mood. I was really happy yesterday--so much so that I didn't even realize I was sleepy when I was clearly sleepy (yawning every 30 seconds). I didn't have any bad dreams last night and I slept remarkably well. Maybe it's the whole moving forward with the PhD thing and actually seeing myself back at that critical point where my world came crashing down 6 years ago. Maybe it's trying to make sense of the silly things that go on around us--people who move away, people who leave each other after years and kids, people who for no apparent reason freak out. Maybe it's just the insecurity of seeing everything in my life moving forward without any apparent encouragement from me.
I would like to know what it is, so I can relax and begin to have some fun again! I really did used to be a very very fun person!
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